break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
