Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
