I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
