You just made me feel so damn special
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
