Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
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He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
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Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize