I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
