Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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