my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
