No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
