Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
