so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
