There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
