Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
