Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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