Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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