Old men and throwing up are my life now.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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