Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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