you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
