Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
