his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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