I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
