I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
