new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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