i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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