his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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