I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You're breaking my sexual little heart
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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