If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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