If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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