just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Houston, we have a blender
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
