im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
