Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
