I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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