I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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