Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
