I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
