Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
