I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
