Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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