I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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