I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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