Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
