im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
