Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
