I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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