Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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