Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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