Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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