No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
