I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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