I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
