I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
