i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
