My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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