How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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