i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
