I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
