if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
