i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
