And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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