i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
