Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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