Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
